I haven't been blogging over here for a while. A part of me is trying to roll this blog back into oblivion so that people think I don't update anymore and I can start anew by having a slew of readers that don't know me in real life. It's hard to have a blog that often says different things from the very physical me. At the moment, and judging by the responses, most people must think I have died from the blog-o-sphere. Now I can write whatever I want.
What a lie.
But I want to believe it. The reason I haven't been blogging as much is because a). I've been incredibly busy, and b). I don't want to write blogs for people who don't talk to me to "fill in" on my life. It's terrible when people know the general gist of my personal life. It's worse when they think that's all they need to know. It's horrible when I tell them something and they go, "Yeah, I know. I read it on your blog." Not sure that's the first reaction I want when I spread my excitement. Suddenly, age-old friends have become ...readers. Personal has become disconnected. And even if people come to apologize or try to reconnect, I don't think I care anymore. It is too late. I've become so disconnected and separated from the fantasy of relationships that when reality comes back around, I don't want to deal with it. Social network, I hate you - or maybe you've just become a filter. I feel like I'm on television, and my once close friends have become viewers. They know all there is to know about me, but I'm completely unaware of what their lives are about. Conversations have become dismissible. History is dismissible. After a certain degree of disinterest, I think I'm going to stop updating my life to certain people. What's the point when there is no trade... I feel like a TV show with good ratings but no real feedback to show for it.
So now I'm canceling some personal subscriptions. You can join those who don't know me in real life and find out when they do. It was nice knowing you; but a long running tab means nothing to me when I can't see the present working out towards any real future. Harsh? I'm more disappointed to care about fixing anything, because if you can't notice that it's broken then it may have never been important enough to be used.
Like a cracked vase that never needed to hold anything but fake roses.
what a somber post. maybe england HAS done something to you. i really have no place to make the assumption, since i'm a stranger, but through your writings, i sense a traceable change. and regarding your last blog, everything IS forgivable. people just don't like asking for it.
ReplyDeletei blog for myself. and to make people laugh. i express myself better in written form, so i don't mind that people who are supposed to know me, don't really know me, but when they read my writing, they get a glimpse of the person i really am. hope you don't stop. being a girl sucks sometimes, but i like going back to read and reflect on my ups and downs. you'll look back on your blogs and learn from them and grow, i hope.
@Anonymous - Oh I agree everything is forgivable, but I feel like it's easier to allow a young person to make mistakes just as it is easier for a young person to realize the stupidity of their mistakes. Other than that though, I think London really had changed me. It's made me realize what I want, and where I want to be. I just didn't think I'd realize it so early on.
ReplyDeleteWhat I didn't like though, was my blog becoming a replacement for information. That's just lazy friendship.
Thank you for noticing a change, I most likely didn't notice, though!
ReplyDeletei'm glad you know what you want and want to be. that's a good thing. i just hope you're not overly pessimistic about certain things in life.. especially relationships with family, friends, God, etc. relationships can be fixed, built, and re-built.
ReplyDeletethis world could never be enough to satisfy me. "if i find in myself a desire which no experience in the world can satisfy, the most probable explanation is that i was made for another world. if none of my earthly pleasures satisfy it, that does not prove that the universe is a fraud. probably earth pleasures were never meant to satisfy, but only to arouse it, to suggest the real thing." -c.s. lewis
don't play too hard. =) i'd rather say, don't play hard at all, but i'll just say, don't play too hard. =) take care of yourself and guard your heart and mind. ^^
p.s. the song on your blog is scary. it sounds like some drugged up creeper-gonna-get-you tune. it's always on mute or pause when i land on your page. haha.
ReplyDelete@Anon - OH MY GOODNESS YOU DON'T LIKE MY SONG?! Don't worry I got a new one for you. But you need to actually listen to it! It's so beautiful and moving. Thanks for the advice/care/attention; don't worry my pessimism is warped pleasure and optimism.
ReplyDelete