subtext in the matrix

Do you ever feel like you're the "best friend" of the main character in a drama? Sure, you'll have your moments of breakdown, but no one will ever see it or care about it because the real drama surrounds someone else. You're in on the situation, but that's about it - people will come to you asking about the main character. It's your own life and somehow the best story lines goes elsewhere. Well that just sucks.

Recently I've been talking with my friend about drama. We complained about how people just talked shit about other people. Passive aggressive refusal for confrontation. Why in the world was everyone so dramatic? So and so aren't friends... this and that aren't working well, she doesn't have any real friends anymore... I'm staring at a glass box of Polly Pockets, and I'm wondering if I'm apart of that world too. This is already too early to say, but what if, I think I'm not apart of any drama but I'm apart of hidden drama? The worst bit is sitting and shaking your head, knowing that people are gossiping about others, and not knowing that someone is talking about you. 

The other end of drama is stressful - the seemingly "I'm not apart of it" end. Being the one who is told everything is a heavier weight than one who spreads and interacts with the drama. Pretending that you never heard any of it when confession comes is so difficult. It's not about being passive, platonic or neutral; but about crafting responses to defend everyone. After a while, even the least judgmental person starts to question the details. Then, you realize that conversations are crafted with subtext cause it's the details that save judgment or create it. 

and... 

Subtext, subtext, subtext - the most annoying word of the semester! My acting teacher insisted on talking about subtext every class, and how each sentence in a script had deeper meanings. Since then, I've been sitting and listening to people talk. Dangerous past time, I know. Because suddenly, a sentence that sounds like consideration is actually underlying sadness. Like "I don't think he wants me to be here" didn't actually sound like "I'm giving him personal space for his friends" but more like "I want to stay but he said no." Oh that was a bad example, but you get what I mean. Observational drama, the most dangerously accurate kind, is a bad skill to master.

To this moment, I'm not sure which aspect of drama I'm most... okay to be apart of.

Everyone is involved in some way. Completely oblivious? ...but that's horrible not to know people are talking shit, because what if everything is preventable? Right in the middle? ...horribly stressful and tense. Just a bystander? ...eventually wears you down. 

Although worse! What if you thought you weren't apart of any drama, but in reality, you were the bunt of it all? 

Despite all this, what I can confirm is: Drama doesn't disappear with age. It doesn't go away just because you decide to be alone.