the LA board game

If you haven't noticed or know me (because I fail at writing blogs and just writing in general these days), let me tell you now that I have been in Los Angeles for the past six months. Oh my god, no - even longer. Jan. Feb. Mar. Apr. May. June. July. Aug. Eight months - almost a year - and just a confirmation that I can just get by in a blah blah blah attitude towards Los Angeleese.

The highs of discovering myself: Being less restrictive about my choices for careers, understanding myself.

The lows of discovering myself: Become more of a bitch, unsure about my opinions.

Is this a result of not taking any shit or experiencing so much shit? 

I'm starting to realize the more opinions you have, or the more you understand things, the more complicated defending your own beliefs are. How do I explain why I'm okay hugging this person but not that person - and I've known them for the same amount of time?

Internally, I feel as if I've become this bitch just because I want the right to pick and choose my friends. I don't want to conform to other people's idea of reality or comfort zone... That's fake. Yet I get told off for not playing the game. People are so happy when you play along with them. I don't know what's worse.

Although, is achieving friendship a right, a privilege... chance? I know in Syracuse I want to be closer to some people than others care for me to. Like, at SU there was a person I liked hanging out with. Deep inside I always knew we weren't that close, but I wanted to be close. (Our conversations never got there though, so now I'm realizing it'll just never happen.) When I finally heard the confirmation about how the person felt... yeah, it hurt. Still, I backed off. I didn't go "I WANT 2 NO U. LET ME IN UR LYFE." Not going to lie though, the tone I got the information in makes me really adverse towards so and so. It was so bitter.

Some people say I'm independent, others say I'm not opening up, and then some say I'm disrespectful. Disrespectful to who? Me or them? By forcing me to act the way they want me to, isn't that making me uncomfortable? But am I making them uncomfortable by acting the way I do? 

Pleasing people is so hard to do, I just want to DGAF about it. I thought it was okay to open up accordingly, but I got judged. HARD.

In these eight months, people have told me what/who I should be. It makes me so uncomfortable, unhappy and upset.

I've been told:

• I need to have more confidence (because I don't like being in pictures).
• I need to be happier (because I'm not smiling 24/7). 
• I need to be less "dark" (because my humor isn't understood).
• I need to open up (...why? I don't know you, and I know you think information given to you is privy to everyone). 

They frustrate me so much because they don't believe I can be happy the way I am. To them: I can only be happy according to their definition of happy. It makes me uncomfortable. I don't play games, but they get hurt when I try to play the game and fail. I never thought being yourself could be so difficult in a group that claimed to be accepting, but didn't like the way you were.

So here is what I have learned in LA. 

You have to play the game to win.
Just don't get caught cheating.