shhh....

NaNoWriMo!

Little Soul

I would write a story about my own suicide and how it affects my friends. The story is about a girl who dies and a boy that she's just become friends with who is obsessed with finding out why she died while her other friends just wish they saw it coming. I guess for my friends, it would just be interesting to see exactly the reason for my suicide when I thought of this story one year ago. Okay friends, I hope you will read and support.

The story is partially inspired by Looking for Alaska by John Green.

live fast, die young

"Dream as if you'll live forever. Live as if you'll die today."

Dr. Eric Foreman: I like you, really. We have a good time working together. But ten years from now, we’re not gonna be hanging out, having dinners. Maybe we’ll exchange Christmas cards, say “Hi,” give a hug if we’re at the same conference. We’re not friends, we’re colleagues. And I don’t have anything to apologize for.

in reality, i don't see it working. that ten years from now, i don't see where these _____ are going - or how convincing this weight in my chest says that it matters. im not too sure - so yeah, sure maybe there will be that once in a while conversation but i think the rooms here are too complicatedly filled for anything more. or maybe im just too jaded to know how conversations work anymore. we shall see, but i can't imagine what the future years are going to look like if this persists.

confidence fades over time, especially if you've been waiting and hoping too long for something to happen. in that case, my mind makes the decision to cut off all hope, and in that, stripes all hope and reality within the situation. in that, i am made bitter and resentful towards those events or ideas - or instead of bitter and resentful, i just don't believe in them anymore.

this is the addiction for moving, the addiction to go somewhere new. regain confidence through the restructure of impressions. i think i've figured out why unhappy people wish to restart some place no one knows them. it's the "game over, would you like to try again" button on life that allows you to live in segments of youth. "Too fast to live, too young to die - " we all want to mark history with our story and its the belief that we have to do it quick and young that tricks us into living for the moment.

there's a lot that i've given up on, and i don't seem to understand how things are going to work in the future. i'm starting to realize how scary the future is - without school, without a form of structure to tell me where, when and how to do things - i'm truly going to have to live by what i believe in. if i believe in the superficiality of relationships, i just may spend the next 40 years of my life alone. if i believe in bonding as much as i can, i may have a life filled with people i love and that love me in return - or i could choose one route only to find it collapsing underneath me. this is the point where i have to acknowledge something is working outside of my control.

live, die, fast, young. where does happiness fit in here? are we working too temporarily to ignore the fact that we might not be facing true joy?

is backs

http://dearskyee.blogspot.com/2009/10/harlo-long-time-no-see.html - this isn't as emo as the blog you're on.

reality tv

What is this discrepancy between believing he was in the garage and the text saying he was in the attic?

This is an example of bad parenting, bad parents and bad morals to exploit your children for greed. When my roommate came in, telling me about the "balloon boy," I thought it was just an act of mischievousness that happened to make the news. Instead, it continues to dominate public interest for the next few days. All I can think of is: What. In. The. World.

Alright, I understand if this was perhaps the second day following, but for it to continue on in this trend only means that this is general public interest to know why or how the boy got in. To me, it's a simple story of trickery, but it's now been revealed to have deeper connotations than that.

At 0:40, the boy, innocently mutters, "We did it for the show," to which the father tries to ignorantly play off by saying something stupid. Too late, sir, your child has ratted you out and restored my faith in a child's innocence, but reassured to me that some people still remain money-grabbing slobs.

Next time you want to get approved by TLC for a show, next time you want to get attention - risk your own life and reputation, not your child's. Or just apply to be on a reality TV show, but look how great that turned out for the Gosselin family. My take on reality television is: If you know you're made of genuine, you don't need the world sniffing through your trash to prove it. Reality television is not 15 seconds of fame; it becomes a shameful label to wear.

twit(er) marriage

anorexia.

i have this theory to not eat.

it's called the disappearing diet.

the purpose isn't to lose weight, it's to disappear and reappear elsewhere.

so i get thinner and thinner until i become this thin stick that resembles a shadow.

thus when i disappear with the fugue crisis, nobody will remember me.

i don't know why i'm feeling down, perhaps i do have SAD disorder?

i was thinking about my uncle tonight and how i wanted almost all of my intellectual property to be focused around him. recently, i've been planning any future projects i want to do when i get successful. my favourite roald dahl story is called the twits, which is his favourite disgust, which is also the film i swear i will create if no one ever will. two couples that are so horribly disgusted by each other that they do cruel things. put worms in the spaghetti, put frogs in the bed, change the cane to make the elderly believe they are shrinking, etc. i don't know how they decided to get married, but it must have been an untruthful marriage from the start. the female twit was supposedly beautiful until ugly thoughts brought her down.

makes me wonder why people marry - oscar wilde said that when marriage happens its either best to know either everything or nothing about the significant other. i find this to be so true - even in our relationships with God. how horrible is it when you discover that your husband/wife has been just mediocre in their conversations with you?

how is it that happiness is sometimes founded by a foundation of having someone to be happy about, with, for. yet serenity can be defined by a moment within yourself. perhaps joy is the serenity and satisfaction in terms of singularity so that dependence is not based on the fluctuating characteristics of a person.

on the other hand, here's some vladmir nabakov :)

if we all loved like humphrey humphrey, albeit a very screwed up and wicked way of love,

we'd probably be humbly devoted no matter the subject.

this silver tongue will be the death of me.

we're jenga

today i spent much of my small group time describing the way i see the world. don't you ever think at one point in time: if everyone thought like me, we'd be a damn happy place? but after seriously considering my way of thinking, it doesn't work if everyone thought like me because we'd be contently happy not talking with each other (i'm not sure how much i would like myself) - at least, i'm not sure about how things would work with 6 billion others like me...

so while i was brushing my teeth, i was thinking about how i often do judgmentally see people i do know over those i don't know. i may see a girl dressed rather provocatively, but it's the object i disagree with, not the subject.

during first impressions -

the object does not make the subject.

after prolonged interaction -

the subject condemns their own self.

so yeah, dress as "slutty" as you want, but im not going to think "ew look at her," even if i may say it at times - in reality i mean, "ew why wear that?" i often insult the object rather than the subject because the second time around, the subject may wear something else (coughlikeacondompplease? ignorereferentialsexistjokehere)... ah haha, then when it comes to the point of me disliking the subject, it is due to their actions and personality that i agree with, but i do not let that interfere by persisting in a relationship.

thinking like this makes me happier

but at times i may be lonelier because relationships take longer to build

and the new ones are easier to destroy...

the heavy side relies on the relationships you have built - a lot of my friends have to endure my ranting because i maintain so many "shallow" (or circumstantial) relationships that i don't open up to. i realize that i often let out a lot of frustration in a single blow, often annoying those i speak to, but that's because they are my precious, precious outlet -

this is how it works.

i start from scratch, not a new game, but scratch where you build block by block on an empty ground. talking to friends, hanging out with them, shallow relationships, conversations - block, block, block, 90 degrees, block, block, block.

this results in a building like escalating jenga blocks.

then someone starts to frustrate me by their opinions, the way they treat people, stress from projects, an unfortunate conversation - remove block, remove block, remove block - all at random sections.

then i grow unstable and rant to my close friends, the ones at the bottom most likely the ones to remain sturdy with me. still, all collapses

after frustration, i am an empty square that rebuilds relationships, testing which blocks are the best foundation. then someone i disagree with comes along to pull out separate blocks until the entire game collapses. i rant, my friends absorb it and then i move onto trying again.

it's the worst method of frustration release ever. don't do it.

but i know that in the end, my good friends dismiss my rantings because...

you know.

im weird.