the chaos life

photo via [[Chase]]

Okay, first of all, I can't believe I never titled a blog with "chaos." With my love for Palahnuik and No Country for Old Men, you would think that I would have claimed such a title long time ago - I guess good things come slightly slow :) ...I'm rather lame. Either way, I wanted to talk about the idea of free agents.

Today, I went to the other church, for the first time in a long time, and being there just seemed to remind me of why I didn't go anymore (sorry to offend). Perhaps it's my own personal preference because I couldn't follow the pastor's train of thought, the concert appearance of worship and awkward atmosphere - all lead to my disappearance early on before rides were given. I left feeling empty, and despite all the people I love there, I don't think Sundays are meant for me - it's taken me four or more years to realize that I cannot have a church composed of people I know. Fellowships, yes, but church is rather difficult.

While I left feeling empty, the return home was insanely fulfilling.

Instead of waiting for rides, I did something most people would slaughter me for doing. I walked back to my dorm room, through the dangerous park, on my own. For the first few minutes, I thought about turning back. I had a gut feeling that I would die - black crows cawed, strangers drove slower when they passed me - and then I passed the broken down lots/homes and turned towards a familiar road. In the chilling snow, I met a friendly, insanely large black dog along the way, but he turned around when he realized I wasn't going to play frisbee with him. His paw prints were everywhere, and for a second, I followed in his footsteps until my toes grew numb.

Silence awakens thoughts louder than words. The pure whiteness of the snow in contrast with the grey trees and black dogs, birds & dead things was an astonishing sight. Experiencing the strange, comforting loneliness alone is a reason - albeit strange reason - to attend the church.

I sat on the swing sets, and swung for about twenty minutes, while cars drove by. I'm sure they were all staring at me - I was staring unashamedly at them. Here is this small Asian girl, in sheer tights and stupid Converse high tops, on a swing set. Bang. She could be dead. Call me crazy (I am) but the thought, the possibility - the chance that I could've died occurred to me, and pleased me.

On the swings with frozen, feelingless toes, I had a revelation.

I am meant to do great things.

And I am meant to die here.

Now that I have walked alone, I will do it again. If I had turned around and went back into the church, I probably would never attempted that route alone again, but because I did - and survived, I will most likely disappear every Sunday I attend that church and walk alone. There's something awfully thrilling about "what if..." And in that sense, I have become a free agent, completely unafraid of what is to come.

3/52 video blog is here: click!

SKINS

I have a personal blog where I post extremely short snippets about current crushes or whatever. So, yes, that is the secret romance dwelling underneath my skin, the hopeless romantic that never seems to find what she wants, in theory, and while no guys actually replied to what their impression was - then again, no guys really read my blog - I got the idea that I am an independent, hopeless romantic whose standards rise higher by the year. Yes, yes, that right. And while I don't want to admit being a "hopeless" romantic, I must say there are perks.

Anyway, what I was gonna say was that I was gonna reveal a split second of the hopeless romantic in me by revealing a post. Not going to tell you who it is about, but it's just a small incident where for a second I thought I met the most amazing person ever! Anyway, this just goes with the saying, "I fall in love with everything, for seconds at a time."

And this is a true story. Cute, huh?

Story finished almost as soon as it started though.

romantic impression

Curiouser & Curiouser

I was talking to Michelle & Yaej today about the topic that most people who've first met me usually like to ask. "Have you ever had a boyfriend before?" The answer is of course, a resounding no. Then comes the why, why not - and I don't mind these questions, only now I can't help but think that I'm almost 20 years old. At the moment, that means nothing to me in terms of dating, but when it comes to nearing 21+, I think that for a girl who has never gone on a date before, it's somewhat discomforting. I'm not romantically insecure, in fact I'm deathly the opposite. While I might claim I want a boyfriend or have valentine inclinations, it's mostly "for the sake of" experience situations. Well, I might have dated before but I firmly believe that if I did, I had no idea it was a date - and also must've blew at least 2 guys off by saying, "Oh yay! Let's invite ____ & ____ too!!" (I do that a lot if no one explicitly says 'This is a date,' which no one has.) Anyway, I've been told that I come off as "romantically independent" meaning that I come off as a person who doesn't need or desire a boyfriend in any manner. This is mostly true, (and false) but I also got the "You look like you have a secret boyfriend that no one knows about" comment.

Honestly, I think I've always been a fairly unfortunately plain looking girl. There's no 'wow' factor and add on to the fact that I always put people in the 'friends' category first, it's easy to see why boys/people think I either have some safe keep boyfriend of forever or just never was interested. But it's intriguing because I never noticed until now that all my life I've played the "romantically independent, not interested" card or "secretly seeing/in love with someone else" exterior.

So, question is - what do I appear as?

Eh, not that anyone really ever responds, but you can be anonymous too if you're a guy. It'd be interesting.

happy to be there

credit

You know how in third world countries the children seem to love following the people with the camera? I used to wonder why they would do that, and why some kids, despite their shyness, look away and then back at the camera to take the photograph. Then I remembered what my friend Peter said when we were watching "The Last King of Scotland:" that how for some children the highlight of their day is to see a car driving down the street, and for them to chase and wave after it.

Looking at my friend's Facebook pictures of random children, I realize that taking a picture of them is a lot more meaningful to them than to my memory. They love being in the photograph, because the photograph is immortal, and in a sense, they will be forever young as I grow old looking back at them. I swear from now on to always take pictures with kids even if I know I'll never see them again.

windows of exhibition

This February, I think I'll be writing (I Freudian slipped earlier and wrote writhing) a lot about romance. After all, it seems to be everyone's favourite topic for me to write about - and we can never get enough drama, gossip and couples. Even if the topic interests us for even a second, we want to know for the sake of knowing. I've asked the question, "Wait, what? Who?" many times just because I want to be in the loop, but afterwards, the situation/cause has no further effect on me. My interest comes in short bursts, small "windows of exhibition."

In TRF, we learned that "windows of exhibition" meant, different distribution venues for film. You've got DVD, pay-per-view, syndication, theatrical release, network/cable and satellite (around that). In love, romance and all things Valentine, we still have windows of exhibition - our attention span determines how long the window is open for, and how urgent the desire is. Some windows of exhibition are like theatrical release, where the desire is immediate, quickly noticed, while others are like DVDs or syndication, where it is always there, and you're willing to explore other options because of its stability.

More in-depth, what I'm trying to say is:

When I meet certain people I am attracted to, there is an allotted window of exhibition. This "window of exhibition" represents the time I am willing to spend waiting out the potential "date" period.

Sometimes, there is no window of exhibition, it shuts down immediately.

Other times, it lasts for several years until I just leave it open and available for whenever like syndication. Once in a while, it's like theatrical release or pay-per-view, the time is short and immediate - if nothing occurs, then my interest dissipates.

In a way, I believe that everyone you meet, if there is an immediate attraction, has the potential to be a significant other, it's just how long you're willing to wait - or how long your window of exhibition is before you decide that it won't work. A lot of times, the window closes, and all you have left to be are friends. It's hard to notice the whole picture sometimes - you're swimming with your head above water, but you have to remember that there's a whole lot more underneath. So date before you see the complete picture - or wait it out - what happens if the window closes, and the chance is gone? What if you could've dated him/her and the complete picture just becomes an additional factor?

I used to not believe in love at first -- wait what? I believe in love just "waking up one morning" and knowing - but not at first sight. I guess what I'm trying to say is: I don't believe in developing long relationships on purpose.* I think you know when you know.

Think Summer Finn from 500 days of Summer. You just wake up one morning and know that what you have now is something you're sure of. You wake up feeling something positive about your situation, and this feeling is something you haven't felt before. It might not be love - it could be simply emotional clarity.

I don't really know what I'm saying, but it makes mild sense to me... does it?

On the other hand:

But if you rather not see me. Here's something genuinely beautiful.

* Used to say: I don't believe in long, developing relationships, but that was misleading.

the neil fascination

I think I have the names I want for my potential children. Girls dream about this day, don't they? Well, maybe they dream about the day they get married, but for me, I like the part where you have kids who are 1 years old. In an ideal world, I would have an older son and a daughter who are no more than three years apart. These two perfect children would be named Neil and Adele. I know. I know, their names are awfully "white" for an Asian girl - but I don't think about getting married, so children as a fantasy, two perfectly, beautifully formed children with the names Neil and Adele sit wonderfully in my mind. They cannot scream, they cannot cry - they smile gently on their sunset swings and let me read them stories that I've never written.

Neil means "cloud," "passionate" or champion. Adele means "noble," "kind," and soft & tender. I don't know if this will stick. What do you want to name your kids? Even if you didn't have any - would you want to name them anything? Maybe numbers - ?

P.S. Note to self. Something is terribly, terribly wrong. I need to get rid of this, fix this and find some temporary way of satisfying this burning flame. This is a fire that does not go out, but is transfered from one candle to the next - and then they are all ruined for future use. Time to get out before something burns and go towards where the cold wind blows best, where the fire doesn't hurt.

project amnesia

I have sent in my application (haven't paid yet, but will) to London Fall 2010. Doing this, and the recent Project 52 that I have started, has given me a sudden yearning to do a new project - This is Project Amnesia. My problem is that even with Facebook, I forget faces as time goes by. So my new project for the Spring semester of 2010 is to take photographs of my friends and family - preferably one each before I go to London.

Under each photograph I will write something positive about them/their traits - even if it comes off in a slightly negative tone. And if I take more pictures of them over time period, I will post it as a comment underneath their picture. Ah, I've discovered my New Year's Resolution about a month late.

Project 365: Write a short drabble per day accompanied by a matching photograph.

Project 52: One video per week to remember 2010.

Project Amnesia: Take pictures of friends & family so that they don't become numbers in my head. At the moment this was the nicest picture I could find to put in the album. I might change it.

Through these projects, develop a kind heart that treasures gold.