photo via [[Chase]]
Okay, first of all, I can't believe I never titled a blog with "chaos." With my love for Palahnuik and No Country for Old Men, you would think that I would have claimed such a title long time ago - I guess good things come slightly slow :) ...I'm rather lame. Either way, I wanted to talk about the idea of free agents.
Today, I went to the other church, for the first time in a long time, and being there just seemed to remind me of why I didn't go anymore (sorry to offend). Perhaps it's my own personal preference because I couldn't follow the pastor's train of thought, the concert appearance of worship and awkward atmosphere - all lead to my disappearance early on before rides were given. I left feeling empty, and despite all the people I love there, I don't think Sundays are meant for me - it's taken me four or more years to realize that I cannot have a church composed of people I know. Fellowships, yes, but church is rather difficult.
While I left feeling empty, the return home was insanely fulfilling.
Instead of waiting for rides, I did something most people would slaughter me for doing. I walked back to my dorm room, through the dangerous park, on my own. For the first few minutes, I thought about turning back. I had a gut feeling that I would die - black crows cawed, strangers drove slower when they passed me - and then I passed the broken down lots/homes and turned towards a familiar road. In the chilling snow, I met a friendly, insanely large black dog along the way, but he turned around when he realized I wasn't going to play frisbee with him. His paw prints were everywhere, and for a second, I followed in his footsteps until my toes grew numb.
Silence awakens thoughts louder than words. The pure whiteness of the snow in contrast with the grey trees and black dogs, birds & dead things was an astonishing sight. Experiencing the strange, comforting loneliness alone is a reason - albeit strange reason - to attend the church.
I sat on the swing sets, and swung for about twenty minutes, while cars drove by. I'm sure they were all staring at me - I was staring unashamedly at them. Here is this small Asian girl, in sheer tights and stupid Converse high tops, on a swing set. Bang. She could be dead. Call me crazy (I am) but the thought, the possibility - the chance that I could've died occurred to me, and pleased me.
On the swings with frozen, feelingless toes, I had a revelation.
I am meant to do great things.
And I am meant to die here.
Now that I have walked alone, I will do it again. If I had turned around and went back into the church, I probably would never attempted that route alone again, but because I did - and survived, I will most likely disappear every Sunday I attend that church and walk alone. There's something awfully thrilling about "what if..." And in that sense, I have become a free agent, completely unafraid of what is to come.





